TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from location. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Of course, certain, let us have another spot where by American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give All people a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have Trump Tower Damascus sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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